Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
