Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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