obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
