please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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