Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
