This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
