It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
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