His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
