Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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