If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
