while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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