It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
