we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
