the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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