y did u give ur computer a hand job?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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