Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
