I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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