A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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