And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
