Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
