i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
