I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
she looked like the before picture.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
