I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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