If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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