I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
