I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
