Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
A+ Viking dick
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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