I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Randomize
