i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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