am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
