ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
