I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
