I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
