tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
