When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
