I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
 go to hell.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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