he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm passing your future prison.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
