Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
