Sry I called you an 8
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
