he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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