ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Randomize
