i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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