why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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