I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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