Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
