I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
