he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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