I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
