I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
