a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
